As a young girl waiting to have the world thrown towards her. She always knew she was meant to be someone who left her mark. This was her dream but this wasn't her reality.
Her reality was one of anger, resentment, belittling & killing the little girl with the big dreams that she thought she would live.
Because of the family she had, she made choices that were a reflection of this atmosphere.
Never really good enough.
Never built up.
Never made to think she was allowed to be her own person.
Someone told her once that the Universe never gives you anything you can't handle. But she often pondered how she could not be loved by her family; her parents; her world. How do you handle that?
There were so many instances of abuse.
Emotionally she was never good enough.
Mentally she was manipulated to reflect the way they wanted her to be.
At 16 she had enough.
There was a movement of her drive to her own person as she knew she was supposed to be.
She no longer wanted to be controlled to be someone she was not meant to be.
She left them.
She made her life.
This is one of those choices she made because of the life she was gifted.
It was freedom.
It was where she knew she could be her.
But there is always a happenstance that it was not going to be the life she anticipated.
Leaving meant she wouldn't have the emotional baggage that she was never good enough anymore. But she figured out fast that this was not the truth.
She only ever wanted her Mothers approval.
She only ever wanted her parents' love.
Choices made by her & she knew they were wrong & or hurtful, but she continued to her path of what she thought was her opportunity.
Her Mother could not easily let go.
Her Mother tried & tried to control from a distance.
Her Mother would not let go.
Her Mother only knew one way to love.
Her Mother had her locked up in a psych ward.
She felt nothing but dread, fear & loathing.
How could this be a Mothers love?
Something so extreme.
There was no indication of any need for this except her need to be free.
Her Mother could not let her be free.
She was allowed to leave after mandatory hold.
She was not deemed a harm to herself or others. Just a teen telling the world to listen to her, but it didn't end there.
Her Mother could not accept the truth.
She tried to move on & live.
Her Mother went & did it again cause her Mother did not get what she wanted.
This time her Mother had people from the government place her in a home for troubled youth.
A home with plastic beds.
A home with a six foot barb wire fence.
A place where there were teens in need of so much help. She herself could see & feel their pain.
These teens were crying for help.
These teens had slashed wrists.
These teens had serious drug issues.
She left home, worked, went to school.
She did not do drugs.
She did not try to kill herself.
She just wanted to be no longer under her parents control. Their manipulation.
She wanted to breathe.
Court battle & they sided with her.
They took the control away from her Mother.
But with the control gone it did not stop the manipulation.
The mind games still happened.
Her parents continued to use her younger brother as a device of domination.
Sending her letters or cards that were written by him to ask her to come home or why she didn't love him anymore to live with him. She knew that those were Mothers words, not his.
16 & now broken.
16 & more lost than before.
16 & tortured by her small past.
She didn't know better.
She was never taught.
So she sought out affection for where it was lacking. All she ever wanted was love & acceptance. So she went searching for it. She found love in all the wrong places but it wasn't love. She thought it was.
He held her.
He gave her attention.
He beat her.
He hurt her.
He loved her.
She knew it wasn't love, but she didn't.
She was young.
She was tortured from her manipulated years.
She thought he loved her.
She searched for the affirmation of being the person she wanted to be but was limited by the world that raised her.
She became pregnant.
She was only 17.
The choices she made from the world she was raised in came to the forefront.
She was now abused, pregnant & alone trying to figure out this mess.
All she ever wanted was love & acceptance.
All she got was loathing & hate.
Her drive to have her Mother be proud of her created an ability to reach out & ask for help. Maybe this time her Mother would help her, love her & understand her.
Her truth was far from the dreams she had.
Her Mother told her that she could not handle the news about the pregnancy & cut the conversation off at that.
Choices made & life to live.
She finally realized the harm he gave her & she escaped that world.
She finally realized that she could not give this child the best life possible.
She finally realized that her baby needed more than she could give.
Choices made by the world that influenced her.
She chose a life for the baby.
One that the baby went to another Mother.
She did not know if that Mother would love the baby like their natural born child or if this Mother & Father would love this baby like her Mother & Father loved her. This was her biggest fear.
She knew she wasn't loved by the parents that were gifted her.
She didn't want the same for her baby.
Her life decision to give the baby the best life was her way of acknowledging her path of difficult versus simple. She made the choices that got her here, she had to live with this forever.
Baby was born & the love that filled her heart was more than she ever knew or ever had.
She craved this type of love.
Questions surrounded her mind.
Was her Mother unable to love her because she never came from her Mothers body?
Was she giving away the only love she ever had?
Was this what her life was going to be; loveless & alone?
Her Mother was present at this moment.
Her Mothers pride with giving this baby to another was said.
This was not the right moment for being proud.
It was the only moment she ever heard this from her Mother.
She knew then at that moment; her Mother was broken too.
Her Mother was not able to love her as she needed & would possibly never be able too.
She was strong though.
She made the choice & she followed through with it.
She decided at that moment to find the love she held in her arms.
She made the effort to move forward & for her relationship with her Mother to not dictate her future.
She knew that one day she would be loved again.
She never regretted the choice she made that day.
Life may not have been what she wanted but maybe her life was supposed to be this.
She loved, lived & learned from that time & although it did dictate some of her future choices she was & is going to be okay.
She is always going to learn from her choices.
Her choices were hers alone.
Her Mother is her Mother regardless of their relationship.
Her life will continue on.
This is her story.
She survived & lived to tell this tale.
She is I & I am her.