Do you hold onto something or someone that has made you mad or upset?
Or do you let it go & move on?
I think it is important to chat about this.
It is something that clearly affects everyone & is something that develops you as a person.
I personally am a very, very forgiving person, maybe even to a fault.
There are many people in my life that I have felt slighted by, however very few of them I could tell you the tale of why they made me mad.
I am likely on the other extreme from a Grudge & I am not sure either side is healthy.
Healthy would be the one where you can forgive, & move on, but not to the people who are continually giving the same hurt over & over. To the point where you always let them back in when it is going to result in being bruised (figuratively) again.
Here are my stories:
I have a friend who is near & dear to my heart. We have been friends since High School. So very close for so many years. My daughter's middle name is her name, she was there always helping me, helping us, she was the 'best friend'. But somewhere in our friendship we forgot we were separate entities. I was always wanting to be rescued or to be the drama queen. She was always the one who was more independent with the ability to handle things in private. We somehow got rerouted in our friendship.
Things change & yes people grow. There was a day when we stopped talking. I know she was upset with me, I wasn't sure why. But I was in turn hurt too, as I felt she didn't want to help me. But in all honesty we needed it. We had to become people on our own. I had to find my own independent feet to stand on. She needed to move forward with her life beyond me.
We did just that. It was about 8 years before we started talking again. It was all epic again. She knew so much of my history that I didn't have to explain it to her. I knew her insecurities that she didn't have to explain to me. We fell into a gentle rhythm again, but without the early 20's drama. Parenthood & marriage brought new frontiers to our relationship. We did not have to spend every waking moment together anymore. We were able to see ourselves as individuals.
She has since moved to another province & although we are not always talking, we are always there for each other. Last year when I was truly struggling, she allowed me to come & spend the weekend with her & her children. It was amazing to have someone who knew everything about me, & was willing to be a great voice of strength. I may not have a mother's voice encouraging me along the way, but I do have my friend.
I went back to visit her again in Spring last year with my daughter, & my kiddo asked why we stopped talking all those years ago. My friend answered exactly what I said above, "we had to become separate entities". I will tell you that until she said that to my daughter, I had never put any thought into why we did not speak for those years. I do realize now what we were to each other, but I certainly did not then. She remembered, I forgave. I know my dear friend to whom I treasure forgave too, but unlike me she knew why we had to go our own directions.
She is currently going through her own battles, & she knows that I will be there soon to help her.
Hang in there friend.
My next story:
This one will be briefer.
There is a family member from the in-laws side that upset me.
It was one of those things where I felt taken advantage of.
It set me off, & I parted ways with them.
I do not hold ill feelings towards them, & in fact I wish them the best in life.
However, they do not necessarily have.
The way that their children & they treated us when we went to a family funeral was intense.
We were polite & courteous. We may not have spoken to them directly, but we were not out right cold either.
Time heals wounds.
In this case I think time has made it bigger.
I have certainly forgiven & moved on.
I have not forgotten.
Words were said that cannot be taken back, but we can be human towards each other.
We certainly can become civil.
Their Grudge I cannot do anything about, except admit where I went wrong, & hope for all of them to also head there too.
Someone near & dear to our hearts cannot take the time to tell us what is bothering them. They just bottle it up & keep us at a very far arm's length.
I understand that everyone reacts to hurt differently.
But sometimes we don't even know when or how we injured them.
This is something that has happened a few times over the years.
But regardless of the confusion on our end, we always forgive & move on.
There is no need for us to be upset when we don't even know where we cause this person pain.
We will always be back, we will always love, we will always forgive, even if it happens again.
Basically from my 3 tales above, it shows a variety of what I mean by Grudges vs forgiveness.
Grudges create solitude.
They allow you to miss out on the most amazing people in your life.
I always tell my kids, "I cannot fix it if you don't tell me what is broken".
This is very true.
Holding anger in creates a person that will not live a fulfilled life. It was al;ways dominates your mind.
I am not saying just anger towards others, but towards everything.
It is just my general belief that in order to live a happy life, it all starts with resolving the wounds caused by others.
I am taking this moment to apologize to the 3 stories above.
I am sorry that we have hurt you, & we are always here.
Don't hold on to it.
You can be the best person if you learn from it.
Grudges will eat your soul away.
You are forgiven