We all have something that we chant through our minds.
You know, a personal Mantra.
I had one for many years of my life that reflected the way I was raised.
You are not worth it.
You can’t achieve it.
That was what I heard in my thoughts.
My influence as a young child was a half glass empty approach, creating a negative outlook upon myself.
In the past couple of years I have slowly come to realize that the pessimistic look wore on me when it came to me personally. I didn't think it had impacted me so deeply.
When I chose to stop speaking to my parents, I honestly figured that all those comments that shaped me ended right there.
No contact meant that it was magically healed. But reality sucks when you realize that it can’t be fixed by one spell.
You know how everybody says 'you are your own worst enemy', that is true! However, it is worse for those who have been through the negative spin cycle. Basically, what I am saying is you are bad enough with your own thoughts but top that off with a gloomy effect during the fundamental years of growth; you have it even worse than some others.
I not only have to combat my own unfavorable thoughts, but I have to deal with the way I was raised.
I was never good enough.
I was never the proper person.
I never did anything right.
And, they loved me, with a but at the end.
How do you overcome something like that?
How do you allow yourself to become the narrative of positive?
For me it was a long road.
A Very Long Road!
There were years of self doubt & self searching.
What did I want to do with my life?
I kept coming back to the same answer:
I want to write.
I want to be successful.
And my most important answer was 'I want to be HAPPY'!
Therapy definitely helped me in all of this. I did not acknowledge the significance of how I was raised & therefore it took us (therapist & me) time to dig through all the mess. We had to find a glass half full approach, it was a must.
I did at one time joke during a therapy appointment that I certainly 'had Mommy issues'. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, but I certainly had my own issues that can't be blamed on anyone else.
I want to stress that during my years of significant development, I was definitely placed in my Mother's pessimistic point of view. This however, was also the way my mother was raised & therefore shaped her & her thoughts on life. Although I have to deal with the fall out, I want to stress that I do not blame her as it was her version of her own youth that made her this way.
One top of all of that:
I wrote a piece years ago & showed it to a friend. This friend wounded me so badly that it took me years & years to overcome the words she used to describe my work.
My art was driven all over with a semi truck.
For anyone who works is personal like an artist or musician, even a writer, you wear your art on your heart.
It is greatly personal & it is your own.
It is very much a part of you.
In fact it is you.
I won't repeat what she said to me, but it affected me so badly that between the friend & how I was raised, I was sure I would never write again.
I cannot change anyone else, but I can change myself.
Words can hurt, but I control my own future, & do not have to allow the negative to fester within me.
The difference between my mother & me, is that I am generally a positive person when it comes to other people. And the lesson I learned between my friend & I is; that I will use positive words when creating constructive criticism for anyone.
Because I am positive with others, many never saw the inner wars I had. The war was ongoing in my mind & I made it a personal resolve to only ever allow me to handle it.
It was my secret. However, secrets eat you up.
They take away your inner you.
However, the ability to rally for others could quiet the inner voice within me. I was so very good & still am at building my world of peers up. These encouragement I could give people were never about me, it was about the people around me. I love & thrive off of pushing anyone to be the best & happinest version of themselves. I did not have any problem being the best cheerleader for my relationships.
I could always:
I encourage people to be the best version of themselves.
I want to see people around me succeed in happiness.
And was able to push people to move out of their comfort zone to try something new.
I just needed to find this all with me too!
So it was born: 'I Will. I Can.'
Once I realized that I allowed the past to control me, it was then I made the cognitive decision to change it.
I started with little things:
Going to do a store versus reading a book all day. 'I Will. I Can.'
Applying for jobs versus thinking it didn't matter cause I wasn't going to get the job anyways.
'I Will. I Can.'
Working out versus snacking. 'I Will. I Can.'
These little steps helped motivate me & move me into a new light.
The fog started to lift.
So the next step was to do something I knew would bring me happiness.
Write: 'I Will. I Can.'
Website: 'I Will. I Can.'
Publish: 'I Will. I Can.'
It has been years of one certain train of thought. Over that time, learning a new way of thinking has been hard, and challenging. But, it has also been refreshing. It has been great to have the same feeling I give to others. I have been able to rejuvenate myself!
We all want to be the best version of ourselves, & we don't need the past to dictate who we are or will become.
Be you! Move past all the voices & thoughts in your head. Create you to become a better version of who you want to be.
You can achieve whatever happiness you look for.
There may be people in your life who tell you ‘NO’.
There may be past influences that you can still hear their negative voices, but they don't have to be you.
You have control over your life.
Beat down your negative Mantra…create a new one.
YOU ARE YOUR VOICE!
I will do this & I will succeed.
I can do this & I can succeed.
And all of you can & will too.