One thing about therapy was all the little things I learned.
And the Value List was a very important one.
I went in with all the reservations about helping my mind as some people do when it comes to therapy.
You know; where they think this is a waste of time & how can it really help.
But I was quite surprised at how well it worked for me & of course the self discoveries that I have talked about on this Just Another Manic Funday journey.
One thing my wonderful therapist gave me as a homework assignment was a Value List.
This list is supposed to reflect the Values I look for in other people & the Values I place on myself personally.
It is also a list of people that I feel Value me as an individual, & whom the people I Value.
So again I was challenged with wondering how the heck do I do this.
I mean that Values, you often think about but they are not under a single title like the word VALUES. They just are what you enjoy in the people you surround yourself with.
You have to remember that at this time I was fully dedicated to doing nothing except applying for jobs & watching 'The Walking Dead' (binge style). AKA, I was in a super deep depressed hole.
So I started with the attributes of others that I Value.
Although this was difficult, it was also the easiest of the bunch.
I knew exactly what I liked in people & what I needed from them to matter in my life.
There is always the standard ones like:
However, I was not aware that there were other Values I craved from people until I reflected on this.
Not all the people in my inner circle have these attributes, & I realized it more & more as I made my list.
I had to figure out how to ratify this.
The next was the Values I placed upon myself.
Again, I was a little shocked at the words that came from my mind.
They were telling me as to where I was in my life at that time.
There were many, many more descriptors that I had, but these above were the dominant of them all.
It was a true tale of what I was lacking in my life; truly a 'OH MY' moment.
The light started to brighten with this list, & what I needed to regain these in my personal outlook on my path.
I needed Control, cause I felt I haven't had any in a long time.
Like working, children leaving & growing up, & not writing at all. These all made me lose the calmness of my mind & created a loss of what I considered control.
I desired Success, not in the way that we all want nice big homes & millions of dollars with some fans. But in the way that you know you are doing what you are good at with the success of fulfilling that job. A accomplishment or even just everyday life.
There was no Peace in my thoughts, so of course I was searching for this. Peace in my life would have brought a soothing ability to think of things clearly. I feel I have much more peace now!
Leadership was something that I have always had. I was a leader in my youth, & most of my adulthood. However, I felt it had gone missing in the last few years & I wanted it back in a bad way. Leadership is a Value I felt defined me from some other people. It was & is something I enjoyed. So placing on the list meant I had to go find it, & put it back where it belonged.
And then there is Happiness. I have two anthems to my life. Believe & Happiness. I continue to believe each & every day that I will have happiness again. I always answer the question; 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' with a 'I just want to be Happy.' (Maybe this is why I don't have a job!!) However, it is one of the most sought after & desired feelings in the world. So like everyone else, I am searching.
All of these Values began to turn my thoughts from a negative self reflection to a positive. I wanted Control, Success, Peace, Leadership & Happiness & then I (and only I) could start to achieve them with a fresh new perspective.
Next list was hard, very, very hard to do because I felt alone. I wasn't sure who I actually Valued or Valued me.
I started with my two out of the three cats we have (yes folks my cats).
My cats love me regardless of what is going on in my crazy mind.
They treasure me because I give them food & water.
I didn't care that it was a simple relationship based on their needs, it was truly a relationship for me that required not a whole bunch of giving on my end.
I also wrote my children down & a couple of friends' names.
But as I think back to this moment, I know now that I didn't really feel that Valued or even Valued these people either.
Let me explain.
I have some amazing friends & they are wonderful, but they have their own lives, & their own issues.
They certainly cannot hold my hand all day every day & make sure I am good.
Also, there are many friends that I did not even reveal what was going on in my world. Therefore, I created distance in a time when I should have used their Values.
There were three friends on that list, & maybe I should have known that there were more there to help me. But I did not!
So I pushed & removed these people from my internal woes.
The only perk in all of this awakening was for the people 'friends' that I did not require at all. There was nothing that I needed or that I felt had Value to me any longer. I did not necessarily push these friends away, but I did place a pretty large gap, & we can just be the people who were close & no longer are. They are essentially the people I will spend time with , but will no not invest in friendships like the years past. This is how I solved my issue above on how to ratify the people who did not have the same Values that I craved from people.
Does this make sense?
I hope so!
I had many people from my close circle who would have helped me, & I realize this more now than when I wrote this original list.
My list today would be much larger.
As for my children, I know they love me, of course I do!
But they are also used to the world this Mama has created for them.
Dinner, cleaning, solving issues, although the relationship was similar to the cats in some regard, they needed me on a higher level & I just couldn't or wanted to provide this for them at that time.
So in that moment, I felt I was not Valued or even if I truly Valued them either.
Children can take for granted what they have in parents. We have all experienced this in the Covid world & I am by no means saying that is what my children did. If I had taken the time to explain it all to them they would have likely understood, but what parent wants to burden their kids.
None, & I was no exception.
Of course I do not feel this now with my kidlets. They are all wonderful & they understand that last fall I was in a world of sadness.
But I have had to be completely honest. I cannot hold back anything as this would mean I am defeating the purpose of my blog.
Please no one be hurt by this.
This is by no means a way to damper anyone's feelings, it is just my truth.
I cannot leave out a quick mention of my spouse.
Marriage is a road that is sometimes requiring a beautiful car on a smooth road, & sometimes it is a dirty bumpy road with a quad.
I won’t get into this too much as there are many blogs about marriage to come, but I will however say that I also did not feel any Value from him or even Valued him at this time. Almost for the same reasons as the children, but even more so as he is supposed to be my one person that is always there & always has my hand in every aspect of life.
I did not feel this at this time, nor did he even try to acknowledge that I was torn in two.
I certainly developed some very deep resentment. Which I am trying to work on to this day.
I did learn though that although we have traveled a very spiral path, he cannot be responsible for my happiness. That is mine & mine alone.
Basically at this time I was lost, I was not feeling Valued & no one Valued me.
This of course is only how I felt.
People Valued me, but I just had blinders on & couldn't see.
Here is a quick fact.
Because we are all unique people, their version of caring is different than I was looking for.
They speak their own Value system versus my own.
This was where I knew that I was on the road to feeling better.
All the therapy I have been through, throughout all my life, I have been most gratified by this last time.
There was an approach where it was about thinking beyond my own nose.
When depression or anxiety or even a change of any type comes through your life, you don't always see the world around you.
There is one friend that I have spent a fair amount of time with over the last few years, & it was only recently that I shared some of my woes. She looked at me all confused cause she did not believe that I was going through all of this.
Maybe I deserved an Oscar, but really I needed to evaluate my life according to me & my Values & the world around me. And I needed to realize that there were people suffering too like me, who were there to listen.
Friends if you need help...Go get it!
Don’t dwell, go solve it!
You are not weak to seek assistance.
There is no shame in finding your path with any type of Psychological help.
Things from your past will always haunt you until you can solve it.
There is so much more to life, than to waste away 3 years not living the life you deserve.
Just so you all know, I Value YOU ALL!
Do the same, Value it!